A letter to my sis:

I also really cherish our talk. It was good for me too. The kind of healing that comes from understanding is much slower than other kinds, and it's also an up and down, long haul kind of a deal. I had therapy today, and it was good. he asked me to go home and journal about a positive experience of dad and a negative one, and it horrified me to realize that I was hard pressed to think of a positive one. But there were some, and they were really great!

I've been thinking right up your alley (if that makes any sense); wondering if life is just a series of distracting onesself from the emptiness... and every once in a while I'm afraid of that. But with a greater part of me, I think that we must be filled, and that's not bad. Life is a process of creation, and every day, we get to help create who we ARE! And a significant contribution to that process of creation, of shaping and sculpting who we are is made by our little decisions througout the day: what will we wear, where will we go, what will we do, with whom will we do it, what will we believe about the universe, about ourselves, God, etc. When I look at the geometry of a naked tree stand out against the snow and my heart is moved to wonder and worship, I can't think that is simply a distraction. it is a filling up. And that's not denial, or superficial, but rather, an act of creation. I am creating and being created in allowing myself to look at the tree and experience awe. I don't know if that makes ANY sense.

Please, don't ever give up. Never ever give up. That doesn't mean don't get real sad or angry. But never give up. I listened to some of "The Secret" on the way up to Mn, and while it's a lot of bullshit, it's also got a lot of wisdom to it. We rob ourselves of our power to create a life of joy and beauty every day. But also, the world is messed up and we can't always control our emotions, and we shouldn't always. And sometimes, really crappy things actually happen (that includes experiencing biochemical imbalances in the brain that cause depression, and feeling like a loser because your dad had a loser complex and didn't give you and affection). But we are an INCREDIBLE SPECIES! And while the world may be brutal, our minds and wills are more brutal yet (brutally sharp), and capable of overcoming incredible odds. We are made in the divine image. There is something holy and alive at the center of you, crying out for dance and music and company and wonder and freedom. Feed that thing and get to know it.

And please, keep me updated, both of y'all. I love you so much! I din't get a damn thing done today, but I got the best massage of my LIFE by a 4 foot 9 Romanian woman who put all her weight on my back through her elbow and lectured me about communism, church history, and the etymology of the word "machismo." It hurt so bad, but her literally non-stop 60 minute tirade reallly distracted from the pain. And I experienced wonder and pain simultaneausly. She was 60 and called me "Dahhling" with the heaviest eastern european accent you can imagine, and kept telling me I was "in trouble" and had a gold tooth (and a couple missing) and bared my buttcheeks and said "and now, I shall spank you." And she did. And she made me give her a hug once I was all dressed and sent me on my way feeling about 1000% better than I did when I came in. And it was 45 bucks for an hour cus the U subsidizes it. God bless socialism!!!
LOVE YOU, me